Daily Funny Jokes: 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Sunday, September 30, 2012

1.
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” "
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “"I can’t remember where I live!

2.
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?".

Georgia Jokes

1. The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

2. What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Bulldogs fan?

The bucket.

What's the first thing an U of Georgia girl does when she wakes up in the morning?

Walks home.

3. A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.
The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 miles back. Everything was fine, then all of a sudden, he pulled out a gun and told me to pull off the road. He made me take off all my clothes. Then he tied me to this tree, and he drove off with my car, my clothes, my iPhone, and my wallet. I've been here for two hours with my ass sticking out toward the road, and no one stopped to help me."
The Sheriff unzipped his pants, hummed the first few bars of the banjo part from Deliverance, and said to the guy, "Well, I guess this ain't your lucky day."

4. A Georgia grad was hunting in the woods. He came upon a
beautiful woman laying naked in the grass. “Are you game?” He
asked. The women said “yes”. So he shot her.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

HUSBAND JOKE | THE HUSBAND STORE

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Monday, September 24, 2012

HUSBAND JOKES COLLECTION

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

2.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.
"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.
"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."
"No. We have to take it to the vet."
"Fine. We'll go after the dinner party. When we get to the party, just keep it under your dress to keep it warm."
"But what about the smell?"
"I don't know. Just hold its nose."

3.

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"

4.

well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down very smoothly.
at around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, the wife headed for home. just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. she was exceptionally proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him (even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
the next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "midnight." he didn't seem pissed off at all! then he said, "we need a new cuckoo clock." when she asked him why, he said, "well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Women Cheating Husband hilarious Joke

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball..."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My Dad is outside..."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1000"
The Dad says, "Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

Saturday, September 22, 2012

WIFE JOKES COLLECTION

1. Wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

2. A man tells his wife...

That he is going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets the store, he finds out its closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and starts talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in the girls apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it was 3:00 am.
"Oh my god my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick, give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, " well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blond, and slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

3. So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

4. A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying? Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to... Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

5. Frank and his wife are having sex

All of a sudden, Frank stops and remains completely motionless. His wife exclaims: "Frank, what the hell are you doing?". Frank replies: "Oh, it's just something I saw on a porn site...it's called 'buffering'..."

Man's wife is in a coma | WIFE JOKE

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.
As soon as they realised what had happened they went straight to her husband and told him: This may not work, but, maybe some oral sex could bring your wife out of the coma.
The husband remained skeptical, but he finally let himself be convinced.
The nurses took him to his wife’s room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction.
After a few minutes the monitor’s alarm goes off and she flatlines –no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!
The nurses run into the room desperate to help the woman and see what went wrong, asking the husband, what happened?!?
He replied: I don’t know… I think she choked…

A NAGGING WIFE | WIFE JOKE

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

WIFE JOKE | THE WIFE JUST GOT OUT OF SHOWER

The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door-bell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

HUSBAND JOKE | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Mahatma Gandhi Jokes

1. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

2. Mahatma Gandhi ne Apni wfie Kasturba ko Shaadi se pehle love letter likha:
"Dear Kasturba,
I Luv You...
-Tumhara

*BAPU*"..... :P

George Bush was visiting the queen of England - Funny Joke

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".
The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?"
Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds "Well it would be me"
"Correct. Thank you very much Tony" says the queen.
Bush says "Ahh, you know, that's real clever, I might have to try that on some of my cabinet members. Thank you very much"
Bush is now back home in the U.S and calls Donald Rumsfeld to his office.
"Donald, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
Donald thinks long and hard and says "You know George, I'm not sure, but I'll give you an answer by tomorrow"
Bush agrees and lets Donald go.
Donald then gathers up the cabinet and asks them the question. Nobody knows the answer, and after many failed attempts somone speaks up and says "I know! lets ask Colin Powell! He's a smart man, he should know". So they call up Colin Powell.
They ask him, "Colin, we have an important question for you... if your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
"You bunch of morons, it would be myself!" says Colin Powell.
"Ahhh!! We get it now!" says the members of the cabinet.
The next day Donald Rumsfeld approaches the president.
"Sir, I believe I have the answer to that question you asked me the other day." says Donald.
"Well ok, Donald, what is the answer?"
"Colin Powell!" says Rumsfeld
Bush looks at him for a second and gets up and yells "No you god damn idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Teacher Student Jokes

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

-------

Teacher: What will u do after growing up. .?

Student: Facebooking. .

T: No, I mean what will u become?

S: Admin of Facebook Pages. .

T: OMG ! I mean what will u achieve after u grow up. .?

S: Facebook Admin Rights. .

T: IDIOT! I mean what will u do 4 ur parents. .?

S: I will create a page 4 them, “I LOVE MOM & DAD”.

T: STUPID, What do ur parents want from u. .?

S: My Facebook Password. .

T: Oh God, What is the purpose of ur life. .?

S: Facebook, but never face ur book. .

---------
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?
Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
John : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L".
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
John : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah : "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher: Tom! I know you are bad at spelling. That’s why I told you to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write only 4 times?
Tom: Sir, I am bad at math too.
Teacher: Another example.
Student: Another frog.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

ASIAN JOKES

1. An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island…

… They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day’s work.
The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.
Each sets off in their separate directions.
The Russian builds an excellent hut, complete with a floor and a waterproof roof. It was sturdy and comfortable.
The American soon returns with enough food for a feast. He has handfuls of fruit, fish, shrimp, coconuts, and all enough to last for weeks.
After complimenting each others work they notice that the Asian is no where to be seen with the supplies. As the night grew on they decided it would be best to search for the man in case he had gotten into some danger.
They searched for hours through the jungle until they came to a large clearing. In the middle was a giant rock, they wonder if he had gone to collect supplies by the rock and approach it cautiously.
Once at the rock the Asian quickly jumps out, raises his hands in the air, and yells, “Supplies”!

2.

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”

3.

The blonde opens up her lunch box and sees a PB&J. She exclaims "If I get PB&J one more time I'm going to kill myself."
The asian girl opens her lunch box and sees rice. She says "If I get rice more time I'm going to kill myself."
The african american girl opens her lunch box and sees chicken. She goes "If I get chicken one more time, I'm going to kill myself."
The next day they're all at lunch and the same thing happens, only they all kill themselves once they've opened they're lunch box and see the same food.
The asian girls parents cry "If only we didn't pack her rice for lunch again!"
The african american girls parents cry "If only we didn't pack her chicken again!"
The blonde girls parents look puzzled and say "I don't know what her problem was, she packed her own lunch."

4.

One day, as Johnson is sweeping the floors in the lobby of the main headquarters for the company, George Bush enters the building as he has a meeting with the CEO. He meets the CEO in the lobby but before entering the conference room, he greets Johnson, "Heeey Johnson! Nice to see you buddy!" After the meeting, the CEO approaches Johnson and asks "Hey, how do you know mr Bush?" "Oh, we go golfing some times. He's a pretty nice guy". The CEO shakes his head in disbelief and leaves.
The next week, Johnson is again sweeping the lobby. This time, Vladimir Putin enters, and the same thing happens. After the meeting, the CEO asks Johnson "What the hell? You know Putin too?" "Yeah, we go fishing from time to time. He's a great fisherman you know!" The CEO is surprised and asks "How do you know these people? Do you like, know the Pope?" "Yeah actually the Pope and I go way back!" The CEO couldn't believe this. Johnson couldn't know the pope, no way. The CEO suggested that they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope to prove it. If Johnson was telling the truth, the CEO would cover all the costs for the trip, if not, Johnson would.
So they arrive in Rome the next day and go to St. Peter's Square. The Pope is giving a speech on the balcony. When Johnson and the CEO get closer to the balcony, the Pope shouts "Hey Johnson! Get up here and keep me some company! My speech is about to end and we have a lot to catch up on!" Johnson then goes up the balcony and stands there with the Pope until the speech is over and they go inside.
A while later, Johnson gets back to St. Peter's Square to find the CEO passed out from shock. He wakes him up and says "Are you all right? I told you I knew him, it couldn't have been that big a surprise" The CEO shakes his head and says "Yeah, it wasn't that. But there was a group of asian tourists who came up to me and asked who the guy on the balcony next to Johnson is!"

Daily Funny Jokes