HUSBAND JOKE | THE HUSBAND STORE

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

HUSBAND JOKES COLLECTION

1.

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

2.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.
"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.
"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."
"No. We have to take it to the vet."
"Fine. We'll go after the dinner party. When we get to the party, just keep it under your dress to keep it warm."
"But what about the smell?"
"I don't know. Just hold its nose."

3.

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"

4.

well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down very smoothly.
at around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, the wife headed for home. just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. she was exceptionally proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him (even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
the next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "midnight." he didn't seem pissed off at all! then he said, "we need a new cuckoo clock." when she asked him why, he said, "well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Women Cheating Husband hilarious Joke

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball..."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My Dad is outside..."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1000"
The Dad says, "Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

WIFE JOKES COLLECTION

1. Wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

2.  A man tells his wife...
 

That he is going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets the store, he finds out its closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and starts talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in the girls apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it was 3:00 am.
"Oh my god my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick, give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, " well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blond, and slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

3.  So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
 ..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

4.  A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying? Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to... Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

5. Frank and his wife are having sex

All of a sudden, Frank stops and remains completely motionless. His wife exclaims: "Frank, what the hell are you doing?". Frank replies: "Oh, it's just something I saw on a porn site...it's called 'buffering'..."